If you’ve ever fallen for someone who plays games, you’ll know it is an ongoing series of coming and going. It’s the fighting. It’s the resolution. It’s someone who knows exactly what to say and when to say it, so that they can see your reaction. But there are also good in them and layers of love that make it hard to let go or walk away.
But toxic relationships come down to control.
And sometimes it feels like the lack of control you have within yourself because you always answer. Perhaps, you can’t just put your phone down and walk away. Maybe you always say yes and show up.
People can be like habits, and sometimes the people who choose aren’t always the best habits. But you still fall for them even though everyone around you wonders why. And you call it love. But toxic people can be even more addictive than substances.
The truth is toxic relationships aren’t just relationships with someone bad for you; toxic relationships is that horrible relationship you might have with yourself. And you keep choosing something and someone not good for you.
And it isn’t because you don’t know you deserve better. You look at this person’s good and judge that more deeply than their bad qualities. And that is an admirable quality to have. You believe in their good. You have faith that goodness will rise above everything else, and just maybe they can become the person you always wanted them to be.
But the maybes and what ifs and wondering are just that.
When you call it love, you are only looking at the good parts. And that skewed viewpoint blinds you to the bad parts of them that are breaking your heart.
Even if your intentions are good and love is genuine, some people don’t go well together. And it isn’t something you’ve done wrong, and this isn’t a relationship you have to prove to anyone, including yourself.
But so many people struggle to let go of these toxic people because within themselves, there is probably a toxic trait or something that makes them choose someone like this.
Maybe a part of you needs to dig a little deeper and ask yourself why?
I know it’s hard not to answer. I know it’s hard sometimes to say no. I know it’s hard to stand up for yourself. And maybe you never have before. Or maybe in the moments, you were brave enough to, you were met with screaming and fighting and yelling and every reason this was your fault. I’m sorry that happened.
But know when you keep choosing toxic people, and this becomes a habit that will influence other relationships not just in who you choose but in what you expect, in what you anticipate, in how you act and react. And that habit will turn into choosing the same kinds of people.
And this all comes down to the relationship you have with yourself first. Because in learning to love yourself and learning respect, pulling away from people like this will become simple.
But that’s okay if it isn't right now. That’s okay if you still feel stuck. It’s okay if you keep trying to date, and it doesn’t seem like anyone compares to this person. But remember, every time you put a toxic person on a pedestal who shouldn’t be there, the right and real person who should be in your mind will never measure up.
Even in a toxic relationship, you still learn a hell of a lot about each other in between all that chaos. Emotional attachment makes things hard to let go of sometimes, and as you build on that and have history, it makes it all that more complicated. When someone knows your past, because they’ve been there, they are currently in your present and help you at times, and all you dream about is a future with them, it’s heartbreaking when you don’t get that.
Because these kinds of relationships feel like a real relationships, only they aren’t because this person isn’t choosing you fully.
And love without respect isn’t really love. And if this sometimes feels one-sided, that isn’t love feeding into the other person’s heart but instead influencing their ego. And if ego is what drives a relationship, they will always come before you, and it will never be mutual.
We often think the devil is easy to spot. But oftentimes the person who hurts you most, is the one pretending to be everything you want, without being the kind of person you need.
Toxic relationships will hurt your heart the most and break the hearts of everyone around you, seeing you go through something like this.
The truth is your best is good enough, but it will never be good enough for someone who doesn’t value you to the core of who you are. Love isn’t someone who will ever be okay with hurting you. They won’t tear you down just so they can be the ones to build you back up again, and if someone has ever done that you do, I am so sorry for that. They might make you feel like you can’t ever give up or walk away but in those moments where you are met with opportunities to (and trust me there will be a lot) Walk away remembering, even if you haven’t learned how to love yourself yet, walk away for the future version of you who will.
Toxic people will continue to have you run in circles when the right person and the right relationship only have you walk in a straight line towards a future they are confident of and someone they want forever.
And the difference here is, you won’t have to love someone like reciprocating it is something you have to convince them of.